Happy Holidays Everyone!

HI!
My name is AIR FRANCE.
I am more or less sane,
but every year, right around this time,
I turn into a 100% solid gold asshole.
Thank you, and my apologies.

New Logo for Google!

I felt inspired to design a new logo for Google. I mean, I have been getting A LITTLE SICK OF that old one, haven't you? I think my new one will prove to be irresistible to the Google president and CEO and those guys who make the decisions there. I sent it to them with a pretty good cover letter. I was going to have it reproduced on some pretty fancy paper and then send it with a bottle of good wine or something, but I didn't want it to seem like a bribe so I thought I'd just be modern and modest and email it. I'm not asking for a lot of money for it, either. I mean, I'm not sure how much I'm asking, but I'm sure we can negotiate! Happy searching with the new GOOGLE!

January

One thing I love about January is that you can never see the days getting longer. Pretty much the rest of the year you are always aware of the days getting longer and the nights getting shorter or the days getting shorter and nights getting longer. But in January it just seems that the days and nights are constant. I think because of that, or else that is why, January seems to have no movement. It feels like the endless month, with no beginning and no end. But it's over much too soon. I think there is no month that is as much like life as January.

There are people who are running in front of their deadlines, their self-imposed deadlines like treadmill torture decapitation devices. January is the month where none of that matters. You can get ahead, but you're never really ahead. If you fall behind, it doesn't really matter. It also has the best name of any month, I mean for a name of a person. January.

Toss Salad

I saw a sign on a restaurant that said "TOSS SALAD"-- in red neon, no less, so they were pretty serious about it. You'd think before you ordered the neon you'd check to see if you were using the right word and grammar, but there's so substitute for self-confidence. "Tossed Salad" is definitely more standard, and when I hear "toss salad" I think of a salad made of toss, which is puke. To toss is to puke, so toss as a noun would be the actual puke. Toss Salad, therefore means PUKE SALAD.

Not that most tossed salad is much better than puke anyway. But first, I thought I’d check on the big internet to see if I was correct. It turns out that when you search for toss OR tossed salad you get a lot of a websites about oral-anal sex or something… I mean, I had no idea. But then it seems like any possible word you can think of has some sexual meaning. Let's try a few. Can. Sexual. Strawberry. Sexual. Doorknob. Sexual. Blanket. Sexual. Lamp. Sexual. See what I mean?

Anyway, why is it that every time I get a salad in a restaurant it ends up being somehow decidedly unsatisfying? Like all they'd have to do is cut up the green peppers a little more, or pit the olives, or put a little more garlic in the dressing, or fry then chill the onions. Or take the brown shit off the iceberg lettuce. I mean I can make a delicious salad with half of my brain in a drug stupor, and ingredients from a bachelor refrigerator, so why can't they pull it off for seven bucks at a restaurant? I'm sure there are some great salads out there, at some great restaurants, but nine times out of ten they’re total shit, leading you to believe there is something to that sexual definition.

Sex and The City

I mentioned my new online journal called "Happy Endings" to someone, and they were happy to assure me that that term was all about something sexual. It seems like once something becomes about something sexual it eclipses all other meanings. This is kind of disappointing to me. It's not that I am against things that are sexual; I just am interested in other things as well, such as dreams and stories, injustice and diners.

What I think about all of this is that the reason for the prevalence of sex ingrained in everything is not because of such a great interest in sex, it's because of sexual repression. OK, I guess that's not such an interesting thought, after all. I'm sorry. Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter, or sex. Those are my four choices.

This diary entry has nothing to do with Sex On The City. I was just wondering HOW MANY "blog" entries were titled that this summer. "This Ain't The Summer of Love." That's a Blue Oyster Cult song, which is followed by another song with virtually no gap. You know, those decisions (which have only to do with vinyl records and never with CDs) are decisions of the ages, of all time, equal in importance, at least, to something like, "You’re no Jack Kennedy."

Well, okay, how about this: Does anyone think it's weird that that Sarah Jessica Parker's character’s LAST name in "Sex Upon The City" is the same last name as her REAL LIFE boyfriend?

I am beggging you...

I have read everything there is to read, now, twice. I have come to the end of the last book, and I see no future in the libraries or bookstores of the world. Please... please, someone recommend to me something to read...

May 4

It has gotten so when you mention May 4 to people it doesn't have any significance, unless maybe they are residents of Kent, Ohio. That is the date, of course, of the Kent State shootings of 1970 in which National Guardsmen opened fire on student protesters, killing four and wounding nine. The acute memory of this incident, however, is now beginning to fade in the larger public consciousness, mostly due to more recent events of great magnitude such as Nixon's resignation, the Tonya Harding scandal, OJ's low-speed chase, and American Idol.

It is now widely believed that it wasn't actually members of the Ohio National Guard who fired their weapons at the students, but TERRORISTS posing as guardsmen, whose motive was to initiate full scale revolution.

Where Is The Money?

Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a happy new year. And I have the ability to do it.

The Most Stupid Thing I Have Ever Seen

There is a DIRECT TV ad that pops up on my Yahoo mail right over where you click for the new messages. You cannot close the ad. You can click on it, but you can't change it, move it. And it keeps you from accessing your email. I was thinking about when I would finally stop using this crappy yahoo mail, and this is it!

Maybe it's some kind of prank played by someone, a hacker, but it's been there all day. I would think that yahoo would get rid of it by now. And if it's that easy to hack into their website, then who is reading my email. Not that it's that interesting. Airfrance at yahoo, password, concorde. You can check it out for yourself!

But anyway-- well, I was not going to give any money to Direct TV anyway. And maybe it's not their fault. It's someone's fault. It's idiotic.

Movie Review: Science Friction

Not only is this movie OK to see ahead of time, the best way to experience it is to sit naked at room temperature with your feet up on the back of the seat in front of you. There are mysterious deaths, Buffalo, Kansas, and lots and lots of deja vu. Honesty is the best policy, except when being nonconfrontational seems more or less specific. It is generally spicy and zesty, but not uncomfortable. Don't get yourself arrested! Ride home on the back of a fire engine. Lie to your boss. Dump all your trash in the street, the way college students do. Get on the warpath in your Pinto, and remember: weekend availability is all-important!

4 stars (out of one hundred) (that was a joke) NO STARS.

Wait until this one comes out on DVD, then ignore it!

Review of the Contents of My Post Office Box Today

I hadn’t checked my P.O. box for a few days, and I expected it to be overflowing, but there was just ONE THING: a recipe for "Crawford's Swedish Gingersnap Cookies" --on a postcard --from WMSE’s Tom Crawford, no doubt.

This is essentially a cookie recipe. I guess I could go on and on here about how much I hate cookies, and how much I hate the WORD cookie, and how I think that the idea and concept of the COOKIE is pretty much taking over our world, ruining our way of life, and is pretty much, when you come down to it, I feel, the symbol of the end of all civilization.

This particular recipe, however, is interesting because of the ingredient "3/4 cup bacon fat"-- listed as the first ingredient! I think that this recipe is all about using BACON FAT in the place of lard, vegetable shortening, or butter. This is really kind of exciting to me. I think, even, if it wasn't for the inclusion of "The Evil Grain," I would be at home right now whipping up a batch or these fuckers.

The Mystery of Cups and Glasses

Another day at the office, even though, yes, it's Saturday. I was just in Toronto for a week, and I cleaned up before I left. Now, back at the office, the lunch table is sticky, trash is lying here and there. How hard is it to put trash in the trash can? There are about 20 cups and glasses sitting about. The dishwasher sits empty. For there to be that many cups and glasses, each person who works here must have used a fresh cup or glass each time he/she had a drink of water, then left the cups and glasses sitting out on the table, on the counter, in the sink. Never in the dishwasher. Never in the dish drainer. Never in their office.

I know this is just about the most boring thing to write about of all time, but I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I just don't. These are all smart people. They know there is no maid, no servant, not even a lowly employee to clean up after them. I am left to believe that the people who work in this office just REALLY LIKE TO SEE about 20 cups and glasses sitting around. It's an aesthetic thing. Or some kind of an art project.

The Sword Is Mightier Than The Pen

That other saying has been around so long, people just go on believing it means something anymore. Ha! Not that I'm cynical, but a fine example is Bill Belichick, recently, after being caught cheating. I watched the football game last night, just to see how a man who just got half a million dollars taken away from him might look while standing on the edge of a grassy field. No more designer suits for this guy, he was wearing on old sweatshirt with the sleeves cut off. His pants held up by a belt made of twine. He looked like his hair was cut with dull, pre-school scissors.

But I'm guessing that's how he always looks. I'm guessing he's NOT REALLY parting with half a million dollars. And I'm positive that if they keep winning, he will keep his job, and his popularity. He can even continue to cheat, as long as he doesn't get caught again.

Happy Flowers

They are jack hammering outside the window here. I mean it's really loud-- so loud I can't hear the phone ring, and usually the phone is really annoying. I didn't think a think like this jack hammering could bother me so much, but this is literally driving me crazy. So I'm going to try to concentrate on happy things, before I start breaking things.

Happy flowers afrit! Deer jump about in the mezzanine, zoftigging each other with pomp and whelk! Gumboils explode in blue, white and pink cosmography, running the foolery into my rayon suit pants, soiled by my trimmer in the sidecar! I mean soiled by my spilt sidecar cocktail in the trimmer! I mean trimmed by the spilt soil in the milch garden! Torso reverses, soused solid, used sough fads shooed areas anoxia sic soak avoid kipsie flowers afrit! Deer jump, zoftigging each other wit pomp amends whelk! In blue, white and pink cosmography, running my solids trough used sough fads and shooed areas anoxia soiled in mother milch’s garden! Torso souses solid, used a sough fads shooed areas anoxia sic soak avoid Hippie flowers afrit! Deer jumble zoftigging and whelk! in blue, white and pink in the milch gardenia! torso souses solid red sough fads shooed areas anoxia sic steak avoid Harpie flowers afrit! Deer jump, zoftigging other with pomp and chef! in blue, white and pink cosmography, ruff running tool he is my solid used a sough fads shooed areas anoxia soil in the party! tariffs of savvies so used a sough fads shooed areas anoxia sic soak avoid Hyrpie frowners afrit!, Deer jump, zoftigging each other with faced whelk! in blue, white and pink…