Toss Salad

I saw a sign on a restaurant that said "TOSS SALAD"-- in red neon, no less, so they were pretty serious about it. You'd think before you ordered the neon you'd check to see if you were using the right word and grammar, but there's so substitute for self-confidence. "Tossed Salad" is definitely more standard, and when I hear "toss salad" I think of a salad made of toss, which is puke. To toss is to puke, so toss as a noun would be the actual puke. Toss Salad, therefore means PUKE SALAD.

Not that most tossed salad is much better than puke anyway. But first, I thought I’d check on the big internet to see if I was correct. It turns out that when you search for toss OR tossed salad you get a lot of a websites about oral-anal sex or something… I mean, I had no idea. But then it seems like any possible word you can think of has some sexual meaning. Let's try a few. Can. Sexual. Strawberry. Sexual. Doorknob. Sexual. Blanket. Sexual. Lamp. Sexual. See what I mean?

Anyway, why is it that every time I get a salad in a restaurant it ends up being somehow decidedly unsatisfying? Like all they'd have to do is cut up the green peppers a little more, or pit the olives, or put a little more garlic in the dressing, or fry then chill the onions. Or take the brown shit off the iceberg lettuce. I mean I can make a delicious salad with half of my brain in a drug stupor, and ingredients from a bachelor refrigerator, so why can't they pull it off for seven bucks at a restaurant? I'm sure there are some great salads out there, at some great restaurants, but nine times out of ten they’re total shit, leading you to believe there is something to that sexual definition.