Grey McDonald's

Grey McDonald's Menu

Big Marble
Spicy Pebble McBites
McGranite Sandwich
Terrazzo Salad
World Famous Slate Fries
Sulphur McMuffin
Filet-O-Travertine
Cement Thick Shake

New Job

I'm starting my new job today, May 1 (actually tomorrow, Monday), writing advertising copy. Working for a company you're all familiar with. You know. It's something I said I'd never do, but with the Economy the way it is, I feel like I have no choice. I mean, it's either that or start flying business class.

One of the conditions of my new job is that I don't write about it anywhere, either now or anytime in the future. In fact, I'm not allowed to keep a BLOG at all, punishable by instant termination. I feel that THIS modest journal, however, will be able to fly under the radar. So keep it under your hat, okay?

Music of 2010

This is my pick for best music of 2010.

I'll elaborate on some of this later.

Fountainhead – “Robot Voice ‘R’ Us”
Piker – “Letz Auto-Tune”
PX – “Love That Mechanical Voice”
Liberal Arts – “Mechanical Voice - Works – Volume I”
Rantum-Scootum – “Fully Loaded Auto-Tune”
Silent Rhubarb – “All Hail Soulless Mechanical Voice”
Sal G. – “Mechanical Voice This!”
The Hoodie String Pullers – “Experiments with the Harmony Vocoder: #1, #3, #8 & #5.3”
Ass Onions – “Up Your Auto-Tune”
Bacty – “Enuf! Mechanical Voice”
Drug Store Schlemihl – “It is Mechanical Voice Is What It Is”

Plus, hounorable mention:
Various Artists – “Music for Twiddling Knobs”

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays from Air France! We, and, I, for one, want to personally wish you a healthy and prosperous holiday season and an even healthier and more prosperous 2011. Though if you were in PERFECT health in 2010, maybe wishing to be healthier is kind of insane, because how can you get healthier? Maybe work on that MENTAL HEALTH. That's an area where we all need some work.

If you walk out of your house and in the first five minutes aren't nauseated by the sight, sound, and smell of automobiles, you either, a. live on some remote island, or b. you have become used to what has been the most major atrocity on planet Earth in the human era. Most people have just adapted to the ugliness, the sickness. Perhaps you could even say that the most mentally healthy approach to the automobile is to embrace it. I don't agree, but then I'm not running for public office anytime soon, and I'm sure as hell not getting elected WITHOUT running.

I rented a car once during 2010, a little Nissan or something shit-kicker, or flea-flicker, gnat or something with a small or modest name. I don't remember. It was about as attractive as a wart, but it made sense in that it was tiny, you could park practically in a mailbox, good gas mileage, relatively quiet, and it still seated four or carried boxes. As bad as "The Economy" is supposed to be, I see nothing but HUGE SUVs and trucks and military vehicles all around me, most brand new, all with increasingly steroidal looks and ever-more obnoxious horns and alarms. I don't believe it's just for "safety." Sure there is a small percentage of suburban paranoid freaks who won't take their kids out in anything but an armoured personal carrier, but for most people who are buying these monstrous vehicles, it isn't because they want to take a Freightliner head-on, it's for status, penis-extension, and for moronic expression and extension of otherwise personality-less self.

If the government suddenly decided to paint every single flat surface a putrid shade of industrial garbage-puke orange-pink, and play an endless digital version of the "Star Spangled Banner" from every speaker, radio, and broadcast device so you'd NEVER stop hearing it, and required that you stop at an armed checkpoint EVERY BLOCK (when on foot) to scan your personal barcode identifier and x-ray the contents of your bookbag, and fill the air with a constant and endless stench from burning plastic and outdated computer equipment for fuel, sure, we would all complain at first. But we'd get used to it. As long as we had a source of sickly sweet alcoholic chocolate goo to fill our mouths with and an endless supply of fresh pornography, and serially addictive brain captivating game to anesthetize us, and a brain injuring sporting spectacle to talk about for six minutes a day for a sense of community, we'll be okay as long as we are able to get into a car. Every generation likes to talk about the end of the world, but the end of the world has come and gone, and we are merely the mold growing on the ruins. Happy holiday season to you and your family... every last one of you human beings!

Happy Holidays Everyone!

HI!
My name is AIR FRANCE.
I am more or less sane,
but every year, right around this time,
I turn into a 100% solid gold asshole.
Thank you, and my apologies.

New Logo for Google!

I felt inspired to design a new logo for Google. I mean, I have been getting A LITTLE SICK OF that old one, haven't you? I think my new one will prove to be irresistible to the Google president and CEO and those guys who make the decisions there. I sent it to them with a pretty good cover letter. I was going to have it reproduced on some pretty fancy paper and then send it with a bottle of good wine or something, but I didn't want it to seem like a bribe so I thought I'd just be modern and modest and email it. I'm not asking for a lot of money for it, either. I mean, I'm not sure how much I'm asking, but I'm sure we can negotiate! Happy searching with the new GOOGLE!

January

One thing I love about January is that you can never see the days getting longer. Pretty much the rest of the year you are always aware of the days getting longer and the nights getting shorter or the days getting shorter and nights getting longer. But in January it just seems that the days and nights are constant. I think because of that, or else that is why, January seems to have no movement. It feels like the endless month, with no beginning and no end. But it's over much too soon. I think there is no month that is as much like life as January.

There are people who are running in front of their deadlines, their self-imposed deadlines like treadmill torture decapitation devices. January is the month where none of that matters. You can get ahead, but you're never really ahead. If you fall behind, it doesn't really matter. It also has the best name of any month, I mean for a name of a person. January.

Toss Salad

I saw a sign on a restaurant that said "TOSS SALAD"-- in red neon, no less, so they were pretty serious about it. You'd think before you ordered the neon you'd check to see if you were using the right word and grammar, but there's so substitute for self-confidence. "Tossed Salad" is definitely more standard, and when I hear "toss salad" I think of a salad made of toss, which is puke. To toss is to puke, so toss as a noun would be the actual puke. Toss Salad, therefore means PUKE SALAD.

Not that most tossed salad is much better than puke anyway. But first, I thought I’d check on the big internet to see if I was correct. It turns out that when you search for toss OR tossed salad you get a lot of a websites about oral-anal sex or something… I mean, I had no idea. But then it seems like any possible word you can think of has some sexual meaning. Let's try a few. Can. Sexual. Strawberry. Sexual. Doorknob. Sexual. Blanket. Sexual. Lamp. Sexual. See what I mean?

Anyway, why is it that every time I get a salad in a restaurant it ends up being somehow decidedly unsatisfying? Like all they'd have to do is cut up the green peppers a little more, or pit the olives, or put a little more garlic in the dressing, or fry then chill the onions. Or take the brown shit off the iceberg lettuce. I mean I can make a delicious salad with half of my brain in a drug stupor, and ingredients from a bachelor refrigerator, so why can't they pull it off for seven bucks at a restaurant? I'm sure there are some great salads out there, at some great restaurants, but nine times out of ten they’re total shit, leading you to believe there is something to that sexual definition.

Sex and The City

I mentioned my new online journal called "Happy Endings" to someone, and they were happy to assure me that that term was all about something sexual. It seems like once something becomes about something sexual it eclipses all other meanings. This is kind of disappointing to me. It's not that I am against things that are sexual; I just am interested in other things as well, such as dreams and stories, injustice and diners.

What I think about all of this is that the reason for the prevalence of sex ingrained in everything is not because of such a great interest in sex, it's because of sexual repression. OK, I guess that's not such an interesting thought, after all. I'm sorry. Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter, or sex. Those are my four choices.

This diary entry has nothing to do with Sex On The City. I was just wondering HOW MANY "blog" entries were titled that this summer. "This Ain't The Summer of Love." That's a Blue Oyster Cult song, which is followed by another song with virtually no gap. You know, those decisions (which have only to do with vinyl records and never with CDs) are decisions of the ages, of all time, equal in importance, at least, to something like, "You’re no Jack Kennedy."

Well, okay, how about this: Does anyone think it's weird that that Sarah Jessica Parker's character’s LAST name in "Sex Upon The City" is the same last name as her REAL LIFE boyfriend?

I am beggging you...

I have read everything there is to read, now, twice. I have come to the end of the last book, and I see no future in the libraries or bookstores of the world. Please... please, someone recommend to me something to read...

May 4

It has gotten so when you mention May 4 to people it doesn't have any significance, unless maybe they are residents of Kent, Ohio. That is the date, of course, of the Kent State shootings of 1970 in which National Guardsmen opened fire on student protesters, killing four and wounding nine. The acute memory of this incident, however, is now beginning to fade in the larger public consciousness, mostly due to more recent events of great magnitude such as Nixon's resignation, the Tonya Harding scandal, OJ's low-speed chase, and American Idol.

It is now widely believed that it wasn't actually members of the Ohio National Guard who fired their weapons at the students, but TERRORISTS posing as guardsmen, whose motive was to initiate full scale revolution.

Where Is The Money?

Happy New Year

Wishing everyone a happy new year. And I have the ability to do it.

The Most Stupid Thing I Have Ever Seen

There is a DIRECT TV ad that pops up on my Yahoo mail right over where you click for the new messages. You cannot close the ad. You can click on it, but you can't change it, move it. And it keeps you from accessing your email. I was thinking about when I would finally stop using this crappy yahoo mail, and this is it!

Maybe it's some kind of prank played by someone, a hacker, but it's been there all day. I would think that yahoo would get rid of it by now. And if it's that easy to hack into their website, then who is reading my email. Not that it's that interesting. Airfrance at yahoo, password, concorde. You can check it out for yourself!

But anyway-- well, I was not going to give any money to Direct TV anyway. And maybe it's not their fault. It's someone's fault. It's idiotic.

Movie Review: Science Friction

Not only is this movie OK to see ahead of time, the best way to experience it is to sit naked at room temperature with your feet up on the back of the seat in front of you. There are mysterious deaths, Buffalo, Kansas, and lots and lots of deja vu. Honesty is the best policy, except when being nonconfrontational seems more or less specific. It is generally spicy and zesty, but not uncomfortable. Don't get yourself arrested! Ride home on the back of a fire engine. Lie to your boss. Dump all your trash in the street, the way college students do. Get on the warpath in your Pinto, and remember: weekend availability is all-important!

4 stars (out of one hundred) (that was a joke) NO STARS.

Wait until this one comes out on DVD, then ignore it!